It's Christmas!
I know it's quite fashionable to despise Christmas, and be a bit world-weary about it, but I love it. I like the lights and the decorations - even the brass bands playing carols (what do they do the rest of the year?). The window shopping, the yearning over things that you know you can't really put on your credit card, reading the Radio Times and highlighting everything you want to watch, most of which you'll miss in the end. And everything always seems extra shiny over Christmas. The catalogues are glossier, the shop windows gleam a little bit more, even the sales assistants have a hint of polish about them.
But of course, as the big day looms closer, the Christmassy cheer becomes a little tinged with panic as everyone starts to wonder whether they've bought as much for their other half as their other half has bought for them. ("Oh no, I've only bought him the XBox 360 with 18 games, the Jack Nicklaus coached golfing holiday, the limited edition numbered Issey Miyake aftershave, the Ferarri 355 Driving Experience, and the lap-dancing kit! He'll think I don't love him!") And what if I can't get the Bratz Meygan Collector Doll for the kids? And what if the dog feels left out?!
So, as a tribute to those for whom it's all getting a little too much, here are some of the things that will end up in people's stocking's over Christmas, and after Christmas, will leave you wondering whether you really should have saved yourself £200 and talked to the family first to find out what you all actually wanted.
1) Dog Lips
Yes, that's right, and no, not lips from real dogs - lips for dogs to play with. They're big comedy lips that have a grabby bit on the back, so when your dog picks them up to play with, he looks like someone's drawn an enormous grinning mouthful of teeth on him - of course you may have the kind of dog that already looks like this.
And, in case you've been wondering just how clever your pet is, Kaleidoscope also supply a home IQ test for dogs, the "How smart is your dog test".
Apparently, these products are "thoughtfully designed with dogs psychology in mind"...Oh good.
2) Become a lord or lady
For a nominal charge of £29.99 you can purchase the right to be addressed as Lord or Lady of Glencairn.
What you are actually buying is one square foot of land forming part of the Glencairn estate in Scotland. Once you've purchased the land, you're entitled to call yourself Lord, Lady, or Laird.
You're also are at liberty to visit the area where the plots are located, although presumably you run the risk of running into some of the other potential hundreds of Lord, Lady, or Laird Glencairns that might have bought the square foot of land next to yours.
3) The Peekaboo Pole Dancing pole.
Well it's said to be the latest way to keep fit, with a list of star devotees such as Desperate Housewives actress Teri Hatcher. Now you can purchase your very own and practice your seductive moves in front of Eastenders.
The best thing about this pole is that it's described as "suitable for taking to parties", and comes with a pink dance garter and fake money that people can stuff into it. Hmmm, so much for being an exercise accessory. Oddly enough though, it does warn you that it won't support your bodyweight.
5) Own land in the Caribbean
This really has to be the most pointless gift ever, even more so than becoming the nominal Lord or Lady of Glencairn. For the same price, you can purchase a piece of land in the Caribbean - again, one square foot of land to be exact.
Why? What on earth could you possibly do with it?
Drop us a line if you think can think of uses or reasons for these presents to exist that we may have missed! Or let us know if you've seen any that are even more pointless. I'm sure this list will get added to over the next two weeks - there are still 10 shopping days till Christmas after all - plenty of time for crazed panic buying of things that you normally wouldn't even buy from one of the shopping channels!
